I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
