Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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