yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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