I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
