You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
