I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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