I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
