Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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