This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
