Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
