I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
