I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
