god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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