I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
