I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
