Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
