She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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