You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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