you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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