Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
