I wish I could punch you in the face.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize