and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
This house was built for laser tag.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
