The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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