You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
