I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
