so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
