What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
