i will never coherently bang her
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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