I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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