Can i not drive my cunt home
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
