ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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