I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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