I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize