the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
