I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
