i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
