You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
