i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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