Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
