If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
