How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i think my cat just said my name.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
