I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
