it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
