My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
