oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My liver is preforming stress tests.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
