the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
