Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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