Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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