your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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