i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
