one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
