my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
