youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
