you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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