It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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