return my video game
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
