My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
