First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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