If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
