i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
