I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
