just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
