I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
