I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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